Well, this isn’t typical. I am usually a blogging machine, and this week that hasn’t been the case. Why you might ask…Because I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off! Why you might ask again…. I don’t know. It’s what I do, how I role. I’m a chronic stressor/worrier/anxiety-ridden person AND I HATE IT.
Maybe you have no clue what I’m talking about. Maybe you’re that awesome person who reads a book on a Tuesday afternoon in a hammock. To you, I love you. And I hate you. I want to be you. My greatest desire is to do nothing. I want to walk out of class (or work) and not be able to think of a thing I should be doing. Instead, I have my dang agenda that I carry around with bulleted lists of things to do and people to see. I love my planner because I never forget to show up places, but I hate my planner because every time I look at it my heart races.
Hello, my name is Paige and I am addicted to things, stuff, people, planners, stress, anxiety, worrying and getting mad about it all.
Does anyone else feel like this? I swear, it’s like I can’t live in the moment because at 11 a.m. I’m already thinking about how I have somewhere to be at noon. This. Is. Not. Ok. I am fully admitting that this is lifestyle is not profitable and sinful. I’m not delighting in the Lord. I’m stressing. In the words of Josh (after I knelt with my head on my bed leaving mascara stains on my sheets-I may or may not have broken down last night) “Your punctuality and attention to detail is ruining you.” Punctuality is a great thing. It’s highly desired in a friend, employee, student, etc. However, I can’t sit through an entire lunch without checking the time. I don’t smile or chat on my way to class or work because I’m rushing to get there. Attention to detail is also a great thing, but I’ve just taken it too far.
I am so tired of letting my planner stress me out and dictate me. I once heard a sermon (or maybe read a book) and the basic concept was: Are you willing to be interrupted? Can God use you when you least expect it? And my answer to this question right now is no. I can’t be interrupted from my tireless schedule. Who knows how many opportunities I haven’t even seen because I’m frantically sprinting to my next appointment.
It’s. Over. I refuse to keep living like this. It’s not healthy. It’s not God-glorifying. It’s not helpful to anyone or myself. If you’re like this- can’t be interrupted, lose sight of anything good because you’re so stressed about everything- then I invite you to stop too. It’s not going to be easy. I have lots of stuff coming up (ya know, just graduation and a wedding. no big deal.). But I don’t want to look back on both of these HUGE milestones and only remember crying and stressing. This must be a super duper prayed over time. I mean, it already should be. But if I am committing to taking my schedule back, then I definitely can’t do it in my own strength!